Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.
When I do listening exercises in session with couples, it helpfsto reduce the levels of conflict and create a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.
At the end of the communication exercise, I ask couples to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other.
Here are some of the things that couples say:
“I liked the way you expressed your feelings so directly.”
“you listened carefully to what I was saying”
“I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you”
“hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying…I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean”
“when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying”
“I realized how much what I usually say is blaming…I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want…rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness”
Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.